Guilt Ridden

I'm guilty for a lot of things. I'm guilty for that frigging Chick Fil A banana shake I had last night. I'm guilty for lying to Mel and telling him I lost $50 so he can replace it when I really spent it on something else (Mel, If you're reading. I did "lose" it at Marshalls..Love you! Mwahh) Anyways, I'm guilty for not working out this morning. But I'm always in guilt for the old Johanna. The old bratty spoiled Johanna that thought kids were a "gift from the devil". I hate that Johanna. She makes me feel super guilty.

I grew up a spoiled child. Still am. My biological father brought me gifts to make up for being in and out of my life. My step dad spoiled me to make me forget about my biological dad. Little did my step dad know that I was head over heels in love with him. He made my mom super happy, made us super happy, never treated me differently from any other of my brothers and sisters and we're still close until this day. Watching my parents raise us (I'm the oldest of 4) I always thought "Why the hell did they have 4 kids?" Of course I never asked. I didn't want to get smacked. I was always observant though. My dads favorite line when I was a child was "Johanna, Close your eyes". My parents did their best. They literally spoiled all of us. Childhood memories includes my dad taking me and my brother Jonel to sneaker stores to get the newest Jordan's that came out. Movies with our cousins. Birthday parties and dinners. First cars. I also heard at night (when I was supposed to be a sleep) discussions about money. Spending too much. Not having enough. My moms constant remind that "we have to provide for four kids". So while being scolded by my mom (because she found me being nosey) I silently said in my head "I'm never having kids".

I once again, was the OLDEST of four. I had three siblings that til this day still calls/texts me about anything and everything. Why did I need kids? Plus I was young. Carefree, working at Mc Donalds blowing my paychecks on Nike and T-mobile minutes. Kids were the LAST thing on my mind. Finally, I didn't have the patience. Never did and I still don't. I was selfish and still spoiled. I'm not sharing NOTHING with no cry baby, formula drinking, pacifier sucking, screaming, drooling, snot nosed child and that was that. End of story. End of that baby talk. Who has time for that? A dumbass thats who. Mama ain't raise no fool.

"Jo, I'm pregnant" this is what a friend tells me in class in H.S.

"Wow, you're an idiot" was my response. 

"Wow" 

"Wow What. You act like you have money for all of that. Because the dad is gonna be around right?"

"Damn Jo, thats a little fucked up"

"I told you sex leads to babies. I told you that, you haven't even graduated yet and you're knocked up. Yay!..Way to go".

"Johanna you're such a bitch"

"And you're such an idiot". ...

Just like that. I lost a friend in her time of need. Looking back at it. I was being a bitch. I don't even know WHY I hated kids. I really have no clue. I'd see new babies and just look at them like "Who's life did you ruin". My dad caught on early that I wasn't fond of children and said nothing besides "You're still young". Yeah, whatever. Young my ass ( Did NOT say that out loud) Haha..

Fast forward a few years to when I met Mel. Love of my life (If he's reading this). I met Mel and most females starts talking about babies. I stayed away from that subject. And when I found out he had kids from a previous relationship. I was elated. It was like "Hell yeah, now I don't have to worry about that". He'd still ask me about kids and my answer was "No thanks, not interested....ever." Until I missed my period. I knew I was pregnant. My monthly is like clock work. But still I said nothing. Ignored it. It'll come. I don't want no damn kids. The end.

"You're pregnant"

"What?! Are you crazy man?'

"Johanna, I know when someones pregnant and you're pregnant"

"No, I'm not pregnant, go away with that"

"Babe, did you take a test?"

"No, I know I'm not pregnant"

"Well, can you take one?"

"Hell NO"

I took one. Longest 3 minutes of my 20 year old life. My hands were sweaty, my heart was pumping out my chest, my face was bright red and then it turned pale white when that stick gave me the plus sign. What the french toast?!...Its broken. This pee stick is broken. So I took 3 more and every minute I waited was too damn long. This  test said "Bxtch you're pregnant" in the nicest way ever, the form of a plus sign. No. This is a punishment. Johanna shouldn't be pregnant. Johanna is not kid friendly. This can't be real life. I'm dying right now...I just died. Literally, I died in front of four EPT tests. And there they are. Laughing and pointing at me. Mocking me.

"So theres this place in Cherry Hill"

"What? That specializes in excellent prenatal care?"

"No, they specialize in excellent problem fixers"

"What? You didn't even think about it. You JUST found out you were pregnant Johanna" 

"Whats your point and I did think about it!. I thought about it all four times I waited on a yes or no from these damn tests".

"I don't believe in that"

"Thats a sad shame. I do"

"You're just evil, you should of thought about that before you had sex. Sex leads to babies. Grow up."

What did this fool tell me? Did he just tell me MY line? Sex leads to babies. No he didn't. I left on that note and drove home. Longest 20 minute drive of my life. I did my best to hide it. I had no friends in NJ. I didn't have anyone I can run to with this news so I called my friend Pat. She's known me forever. 

"I'm pregnant"

"Wait, who is?"

"Me"

"Me as in you? Johanna?"

"Yeah man"

"Wait, how'd that happen, are you keeping it, did you tell your parents? omg they gonna kill you"

"No I didn't tell my parents because I'm not keeping it"

"OMG Jo. He doesn't want it???"

"No, He does. I don't"

"Wait, Jo I know you're a bitch but really? Don't you feel a little excited that you're creating life?"

"No"

"You're crazy. You're bf actually wants to be there and your running the other way. Mind set all f'd up"

"Bye Pat"

"Think about it Jo. Love You"

Ok, She's crazy. Am I the only one who's not thinking about the future? I did my best to hide it. Raging hormones got the best of me. My mother being a mother was smarter than me. Mel wouldn't talk to me. Eventually, my parents found out and they weren't happy about it. So here I am pregnant and pissed. I cried day and night. I cried when I felt my son kick. I cried when I found out he was a he. I cried when people looked at me. I cried. I was embarrassed and pissed. My friends who knew me were shocked to find out that I Johanna was pregnant. With child, bun in the oven. I broke down. I didn't wanna deal with a child. Why am I being punished. 

"I don't want this baby"

"You know how many people say that before they meet their child? You just need to meet him."

My dad, the wise man he is. On Sunday, August 26th, 2007 at 5:45pm I laid on an operating table, with Mel rubbing my head and giving me kisses. He asked a million times if I'm okay. I told him a million and one times to shut up. At 5:50pm I heard this cry. It was a sharp cry. Like a scared cry. It was my son Jae'Mel Sayire Timberlake. He cried and cried and cried. Mel cried and I looked at him like he was crazy. The nurse asked if I wanted to kiss him and I replied "No, he's dirty" and then I passed out. I passed out from losing too much blood. I was a severe anemic and went into shock. When I woke up this damn child was crying again, and I was surrounded by family and friends. It just got real. I looked at Jae with his super light skin and super light brown eyes. I looked at my parents, now proud grandparents. I looked at Mel kissing his son. And I wept. He's here and I still feel nothing for this child. I'm just numb. I hold him....Look at him...and still feel nothing. I know he's mine. He looks just like me. So whats the issue? 

Months past. He's growing. Calls me mama. NOW I get it. Now, I understand this love. I'm his provider. He looks at me for approval. He runs to me when he's hurt. He laughs at my stupid faces. He hugs/kisses me for no reason at all. I get it now. It never clicked until now. He's my sidekick. I feel this urge to tell him "I love you a million times a day". I take him everywhere. He's my travel buddy. He's my son. He's the love of my life who i've nicknamed shorty. I get it now. I feel this urge to be a better person. Mel sees I finally get it. My parents finally see I get it. Life just got good. Needless to say Jae is a spoiled child. I spent any penny I had on him and never complained. I loved this little pudge ball. He made my life super happy.  I instantly knew what made him cry, his favorite food, favorite toy, how to comfort him. I'm a mom. I love it.Years later I gave birth to my princess Brielle Skye. These two...light up my life. Dancing with them today I couldn't help but to think that when I was younger I'd gag at the thought of having kids. The thought of spending money on kids made me sick. I look at them and feel this guilt that at one time I thought about aborting my child. How dare I. What did they ever do to me? My thoughts quickly interrupted by Jae telling me to look at Brielle dancing. My life is complete. I wouldn't have it any other way. They are my weakness. These are the only people on earth that I worry about their approval. I plan to give my life to make them happy. Just because they let me give them life. Showed me love. Never judged me. So when people I know who are pregnant start to freak out, I say "You made the decision to keep him/her. You already fell in love". And when I think about the old Johanna all I can say is "If I listened to you, I wouldn't be as happy as I am now"

I hear feet shuffling upstairs followed by Jae "Mama you coming to bed, its 5'oclock". Another way he tries to cuddle with me. Normally, I send him back to his room, but tonight I'll let him sleep in bed with us. It's the least I can do for the little boy that showed me the meaning of love.....Night!

My baby boy Jae'Mel who changed his name to JT

My Princess. Brielle

Peace && Pink..

TPN...