Slim is not built in a day...

"Lord. Why is she wearing that?". That's what I think when I see body size and clothes confusions. But before I get to that part....

Day 6 meat free! Pow! I'm doing it && it's getting easier by the day. I'm very proud of myself. On that note.....

Mel had to go to Cherry Hill mall today so I took the ride with him. I wore tights. I'm bigger on the bottom (all thighs no ass) please don't ask how that's possible. It just is. I've had this Victoria Secret leggings he brought me and was to embarrassed to wear it. Yes, embarrassed. I get this feeling that all eyes are on me and if someone is laughing or saying something it's about me. All because I feel like I'm wearing something way too embarrassing. Which is why I don't wear dresses or shorts much. Or anything super feminine for that matter. Albeit, I listened to Mel and wore these black yoga leggings today. Smh. OK whatever. I still felt out my comfort zone. The whole time Mel is saying "Babe you look fine. I see over obese females wearing things they shouldn't and you're insecure over your body? Stop it" Still I tell him shut up. I don't know why. But, I feel like the biggest person in the room.....until I stepped into the Cherry Hill mall. I didn't even want to go in. Brielle was tired of her car seat and after drinking 60oz of water my bladder was screaming for a way out. I debated in the car "Johanna don't get out this car with these tights on. You look like a hot bubbling mess" but damn, my bladder at this point sent a signal saying "Bxtch if you don't go pee you're own your own" and Brielle is throwing things at lightening speed. Ok ok both of you win, I'm getting out the car. I'll go pee and give Bri some fresh air. I get out bust out her stroller (which I need a smaller version of) and get to walking and automatically I feel people laughing at me, staring at me. I feel so out of place. Why am I wearing these fxcking tights?!? Why didn't I wear a pair of jeans or sweats or some less tight shxt. Ahhh! People are staring. What I didn't notice is that I had two guys hold all four doors open for me and Bri (How chivalrous of them). Ha ha. I've been in Cherry Hill mall a million times but I couldn't find the bathroom so instead of roaming I asked a woman "Can you tell me where the nearest bathroom is please?" she ignores me and her bf says "Baby girl it's down this way". I say my thanks and as I leave the woman says "if my leggings were painted on maybe you'd listen to what I said" OMG! Now I'm dying. No no no! I need to buy some pants. This is preposterous. I can't deal right now. Now I'm moving at the speed of light. I need to pee and fly out of here. And then I looked around and realized that I'm in a pit of rachetness....

(SN: Rachetness is a Johanna word meaning foolishness, craziness)

I'm here being so insecure about leggings and this plus size woman is wearing shorts with gladiator sandals. Her shirt is way too small. Her rolls have a roll and she's wearing a shirt that's clinging to her every umm curve. And she's proud. She's proud and I want to hide for her. I know this is wrong in every way possible. I know ladies on the bigger size that knows how to dress their bodies. Makes you look twice because they're so pretty. But this right here? This right here was pure utter rachetness. I cringed for her. Looking around more. I see more and more violations of size and clothing that just doesn't fit. I even seen smaller girls dressing with no shame! And here I am bugging out because of my leggings? That minute I realized what these girls have that I don't...pride and self confidence. They're completely confident in their outfits and I'm completely mortified in mine. I found the bathroom and I looked in the mirror and saw myself. I didn't look that bad. Not at all. So what's the problem? I'm just not confident in clothes besides jeans and sweats. Ok. I decided to fix that. Right in that bathroom I said "Johanna get your self together. No ones talking about you. Stop being insecure. You look fine" I walked out the bathroom and trekked my way back to my car. My bladder empty, Brielle happy and me with a new mindset and suddenly I don't feel people staring at me. I heard people say "I need tights like that" or "Her hair color is cute" or "I like those Jordans". I heard positive instead of negative. I'm happy with that. I'll take that. Mel and I decided to have Chipotle for lunch (I love their Vegetarian options but their meat and pork are hormone and antibiotic free. So feel a lil better. Lol) while eating Mel says "You feel better? I think you're gorgeous and I love your body" awww. What a sweet heart. I wish I felt the same way he did. So I answered "Thanks babe. I guess I feel ok but I'm working on it". "You gotta work on your mind before you can work on your body. You can be slim and still feel insecure" boom. He just hit the nail on the head. He knows me too well. We enjoyed lunch. And we went to the car with some dread head asking "Where did you get those tights? I wanna get some for my girl". "I got them from Victoria Secrets" says Mel. Lol. No lunch is complete without something from Starbucks so to Starbucks we went. I ordered my drink and went to pay and the guy said "It's on the house because you look nice today". WOW! Wtf. Instead of taking my free drinks, I insisted on paying. And he insisted on giving it for free "pretty girls shouldn't have to pay for everything all the time. I've been working since 11 and you're the prettiest I've seen today." Pretty? oh....ok. I said my thanks and ran out before he changed his mind. I walked out with some random guy holding the door open and telling me to have a great evening. Yeah, at this point I think I turned that confidence switch up too high. At least I thought so. I get to the car hand Mel his drink and he says "Those tights need to stay in the house next time. You're getting too much attention". What?? Are you serious? " I been seeing guys looking at you since the mall. Those tights? Never again". I ignore him. We drive home. He and Bri falls asleep and I decide today that I'm too hard on myself. One day I'll be slim. Until that day I need to learn to love my body. After all. I'm the mother of two gorgeous kids. This body I hate so much has been the housing unit for two kids. Sure, I won't be able to wear skin tight clothes but there's plenty of other clothes I can wear that'll make me look and feel pretty. I think because I'm trying to lose weight I need to mind fxck myself in a negative way to keep my eye on the prize. No. I'm torturing myself instead. I'm done with that. If you're in the same boat as me. Be done with seeing the negative..positive always works better. As Kristin says "Rome wasn't built in a day" and I have to remind myself that. I'm Rome and I can't be slim in a day. So I need to love the body I have before I get the body I want. It goes hand in hand. Once again, I'll have to continually remind myself to stop being so hard on myself && if you see me...remind me also! Have a great night! Time to cuddle with the love of my life. Who never sees a size. Just a person he fell in love with. Xoxo!

Peace && Pink
TPN...